Four years ago today....

Time has a way of ticking away, whether or not you think it should. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, right?

It hasn't.

It is four years ago today that the most amazing woman took her last breath. Ended her fight. Found peace, and let go of the pain that she endured for five years. Mom was amazing as she took on death, head on. She knew. She had her "list". She shared some of it with me! Where do I even begin to share her story? Do I mention her endless humor up until the very end? Do I talk about her courage? Or that she spent as much time making sure her family was taken care of when it was time for her to leave? She knew. She knew that I "needed" all of our late night conversations -- until the wee hours of the morning. She knew I'd want to talk about her recipes, her belongings, what she wanted me to wear to HER funeral. She just knew.

She made sure that Dad knew how to be a good house husband (her words) -- how to cook, clean, do laundry etc. She wasn't going to "leave" until that was accomplished. It was on her list. She didn't want me to have to teach him those things. She knew I wouldn't have wanted to, or something like that.

I've blogged about my obsession for planning (I was a Event Planner in a former life). But I actually learned this trait (or maybe born with it?) from my Mom... the quintessential planner. I am not kidding, she planned her ENTIRE funeral (minus what she was to wear and the readings). She picked out the menu for the luncheon afterwards at the Country Club. She chose my outfit.... she mentioned what kind of flowers she wanted. Chose the music.

I digress....

Time has not made this day any easier. I have chosen to honor her not on the day she technically "died", but on the last day she was 'alive'. That was yesterday. I tackled the 75 mile drive in snow and fog... and spent the day, dressed in the funeral outfit (only fitting, right?). I also put on her long mink fur coat -- just for this occasion. I'm sure I looked a bit silly dressed to the nines standing at the cemetery -- but it was fitting. She was the classiest lady I've known. I didn't want to be around anyone - but the essence of her. I can still smell her perfume on that coat. I didn't want to share my grief, or share my thoughts with anyone but her.

Time doesn't heal all wounds.... it just adds more time to your loss.

I know she's having lots of fun in Heaven -- hanging out with her dad, Grandpa, and now Grandma too. Those two Irishmen are having waaaaaayyyyyy too many laughs. I know it. I don't expect anyone else to think this way, or to believe in Heaven. But I do.

Looking back... I had about 20 goodbyes with her. Yes, 20. Each drive home was torture, a pain that has never totally left me...four years later. I've never known such utter despair, exhaustion, and pain. I had (nor still have) absolutely no idea where my strength came from to get thru those days. Or when "the call" happened - how I was able to gather my belongings and drive myself those 75 miles to spend her last 12 hours at her bedside. Those details are engraved in my heart forever.

Time......

So it continues to tick away. Tomorrow will be a glorious day.... but for now... I am going to remember that wonderful lady.