Mexico-Part 3-Friday night at Wal*Mart

Friday Night at Wal*Mart

Ok.... I have never in my wildest dreams ever thought I'd WANT to go to Wal*Mart during a beach vacation. That includes day (or night). So -- you can imagine my disgust at United Airlines when my travel agency highly recommended that we trek into town to the local Wal*Mart.

After spending two full days in the same pair of underpants I was beginning to think that Fox Travel might be onto something. Due to the stupidity of the O'Hare baggage handlers (and they tried to tell us the plane was overweight) they conveniently misplaced both my sisters and my suitcase. You know the suitcase that had ALL of our clothes/underwear/toiletries in it? Yup... both of ours. Seriously, it wouldn't have been THAT big of a deal if either of ours would have made it. Why? Well.. because we both could have "shared" clothes.... aw...how sweet... just like when we were little girls -- in the days when our Mom dressed us in identical clothing (albeit different colors). We would have happily shared with each other. But NOOOOOooooooooooo .... neither of ours arrived.

So... we planned our trip around the sun. We didn't want to miss a single second of "prime" sun time, and wanted to be back in time for prime time people watching too! Our cousin didn't feel like going with us (gee, I wonder why?!?)... so we took a moment and made a list. We would need (in this order): underwear (enough for the remainder 5-6 days), evening wear (resort style), shorts, tee shirts, and Kate desperately needed a bra. I seriously doubt she'll ever just wear a sports bra on the plane ever again without a carry-on bra!!! Oh, and we needed face cleanser, deodorant, razors etc. Basically -- everything.

Wal*Mart was a $15 cab ride each way... so off we went. We arrive and start to notice how similar the United States and Mexico Wal*Mart's are... especially on a Friday night. Um... how many of you have EVER shopped there on a Friday night? I bet not many. You have the screaming kids, five in total, running like madmen through each aisle. We saw plenty of cute kids being dragged around by their parents begging (I assume since I know little Spanish) for "this or that" toy/candy. You had the serial shoppers. The daters. The unhappy married couples.

Let me back track for a bit too.... by the actual time that we left for our shopping expedition, Kate and I had a terrible bout of "Clothing Envy" going on. Possibly for differing items -- I know I had serious envy for underpants, shorts, and a comfy tee shirt and flip flops. Kate's envy was evening wear (she was smart she carried on TWO pair of undies).

We had such high hopes for buying tons of cute beachy clothing. Hell... worse case scenario - we could buy guys shorts etc. I was beyond being picky or choosy. My requirements were basic (can you say as low as you can go?!?): they just needed to be able to go over my well-plumped body and not scare small children. That's it. Like I said, very basic requirements. We both had "visions" of floral knits, cotton dresses/skirts/capris etc. I've never been so happy to see a Wal*Mart in my life. But wait..... where the heck is the plus size department? How the hell do I ask where it is, either? At about this time I am cursing myself outwardly for NOT packing my Spanish-English dictionary of phrases. I always brings it along. This year -- well -- I suppose I got cocky. Thought I wouldn't need it. WRONG.

Ok... found a nice LITTLE salesperson to help us find the "mucho mucho grande" sizes. Um. Literally it was ONE t-rack. One little old t-rack that the largest size was a 14. They call THAT plus size? A size 14 in Mexico is equivalent to a size 8 in the States. I kept telling me (and Kate) to keep an open mind... just try things on. I pried them on, and cried them off. Then the cold sweats started, and the gags. Lovely... I choose NOW to need to throw up? Wonderful. I suppose the 6 hours in the pool drinking Miami vices etal all afternoon without water wasn't such a great idea, huh? I made it up to the checkout and grabbed a bottled water and diet coke (coca lite por favor!) and counted out my pesos. After locating my sister, she suggested that maybe I needed to sit down on a plastic lawn chair and let her do the shopping for us. What a great sister, huh? Well... imagine my delight when she came by with a cart load of "potentials". We had fine evening wear, casual resort wear, and some other possibilities. The fine evening wear? It was a "fancy" cotton nightgown/cover up/lounge dress with tacky dolphins plastered across the entire bosom area. Oh yeah... I can't forget the tacky bright blue lettering "Puerto Vallarta" either! I tried it on -- and one could say it sort of fit. Close enough! SCORE!!!!! Kate of course (being the better Wal*Mart shopper) found TWO (yes TWO) evening gowns for herself. One we have named "fancy pants" because it is white with rhinestones on it! She was also able to score some men's athletic shorts (again branded with PV) and a ugly green iguana tee shirt. YIPPEE!!!!! We have clothes. Then I finally "felt the need to go pee". Wowsie... things were looking up again... goodbye dehydration... hello potty :) I walked in... I took a whiff.... and I immediately blew chow. You can stop laughing now. Really... stop it right now! lol. You all know how "lovely" any and all Wal*Mart's bathrooms smell, right? Just imagine unfiltered, sewage water on TOP OF the "normal" Wal*Mart bathroom smell. Maybe now you can understand the immediate need to puke.

Breathe.......

Next adventure? Trying to find the underwear. Again... have you ever seen a Mexican lady that is big? For those that answered yes -- have you ever seen a TALL and big Mexican lady? Nope, me neither. Well... it just figured that underwear in THAT place was no bigger than what my 16 year old tiny niece would wear (and she wears thongs). We were howling with laughter (or were they tears?). I ended up with sexy MENS bikini Playboy undies. It said Grande (XL), and Kate decided to try "tighty whiteys". I should have followed suit. Tighty whiteys have a whole new meaning though. Again, Mexican men aren't known for their fat asses either. Ugh......

So... we were discouraged. We were desperate... we made it back to the hotel in time to gaze at the lovely dressed patrons. Our clothes envy deepened to almost psycho stage. I found myself thinking "how much clothing does she really need"? I mean, come on... a different outfit every night?!? And to let you know how bad the envy became... we had befriended a "large gal" that just happens to live in the next town from me (in real life). I jokingly said to her "hey, maybe when you go home tomorrow I could borrow some of your clothes and bring them back to you when we get home?". I was dead serious.... and she was so sweet -- she even said yes. I never did take her up on it, but I did consider it, as did Kate.

So, later that night when Kate and I were tucked into our beds she asked what I did with my new dress. Without missing a beat, I said "I did what I always do with my good evening gowns.... I hang them up as I don't want them to be a wrinkled mess.... ". Well this started the hackles, cackles, and the peeing in our beds from laughter. it was several hours later that we finally fell asleep exhausted from our shopping trip and pursuant laughter.

Friday night at Walmart.... something that I will NEVER forget. Something I will NEVER endure again! But it was a true adventure!